dancing_leaf

10:11 pm: Can the bottom of the world really fall out?
I am determined to find the answer to that one. I feel like it has, and now I determined to prove it. Felix called last night, and he's shipping to Iraq on December 11. So, there's my answer, I suppose. I feel like I got kicked in the gut again, only this time, the kicking didn't stop. See, for those of you that don't know, Felix is one of those friends that I can laugh with about anything and everything, and he was my roommate, and one of my closest friends, and still is. If I ever do the marriage thing again, he won't just be a guest with a gaudy flower this time. Anyways, I got a voice mail from him about a month ago that he was going to "the sandbox". But, he called and said, no, they screwed up what they told him, he was going to Fort Sill in Oklahoma, and they had just finished sending out a whole mess of troops, so he would be fine. He gets to Fort Sill this last weekend, and guess what? They're sending him now, too.
This time, it's for real. I have a phone number to call, and can verify that yes, he is leaving on that date. I can call him, and joke with him, but I can't hug him, and kidnap him and ship him to the Arctic circle. I know that this is a choice that he made, to sign up and join the guys and get money for school and be in the army. Korea- he's been there for the last almost two years. I could handle that. I mean, the time difference was screwed up, so I usually conversed with him online at about 6:00 in the morning my time while he was up late. Thank God for IM. But, at least no one was shooting at him, and I had a way to contact him. Now, I don't know what to think. All these what ifs keep going through my head, and I don't want to think them, and most definitely don't want to share them with him. But, it's shit that I want to ask him. Like, if something happens, how does his family get a hold of friends? I don't want to ask it, cause it's like asking him how I get to find out about his funeral, which I don't want to bring up, and it also makes it feel like I'm putting it out there for the universe to make true. (As much as I hate it, a lot of the Unity stuff stuck, and it's like I don't want to affirm it)
So, now, I'm sitting here on a computer, wondering how I'm going to either watch all the time or never watch the nightly news about the war. (I still haven't decided which one I want to do, but I know that I'm going to end up being in one of those extremes). I'm wondering how they can keep sending people to a country that obviously doesn't want us there in the first place, and how they can keep thinking that by the US troops going over and getting killed how it brings peace to a nation literally on the other side of the glove. I keep wondering how someone sends a husband or child over, because the closest I have ever felt to Felix is like he is my brother, but we aren't blood, and he's only been in my life for about eight years, and I feel like I'm going batshit crazy. If I had to send Hunter or Thomas, I would literally never sleep and be a coplete ball of nerves. I'm damn near there as it is. I feel like crying when I hear the soundtrack to "Rent" or "Will and Grace". I damn near had to leave Humanities class today when we were discussing Shakespeare and the prof went into a huge class discussion about Midsummer Nights Dream. That song from Santana came on, with Rob Thomas, called "Smooth", and I almost lost it. I feel like laughing when I think about the stuff, then I feel like crying. I have a permanent lump in my throat that isn't gonna close up for at least 15 months.
How do the military wives do it? I can't even begin to imagine. I feel like writing a REALLY Strongly Worded Letter to the president and giving him what for, and I know it would do no good. If a mother that loses her son can camp out on his lawn and be ignored, I know I wouldn't stand a chance. Thank god elections will be here soon, that's all I have to say. I see yellow ribbons, and flag pins, and people saying that it's a good thing we're over there, and I feel like screaming at them. It's Felix. He doesn't belong there. He's supposed to be here, and we're all supposed to sit around like drunk old women reliving high school and wondering where the time went while checking out guys on the beach. But, it's the choice that he made, and I suppose part of me knows that I have to learn to be okay with that. Then again, he didn't sign up when there was a war going on, and I don't think he intended to be shipped over to one, either. Shit. Shit, shit shit shit shit. And that's all I have to say about that.

09:44 pm: How did we get here, how the hell...?
(pan left) Have you ever wondered how you get from point a to point b sometimes? Where it feels like all of a sudden, the life that you are living is a suprise even to you? I guess I'm just in a weird contemplative mood this evening, and I'm not even entirely sure what brought it on. Felix has come back to the states, for which I am seriously grateful. He's in OK, which kinda blows, cause it's not here in FL, but at least he isn't in Korea anymore. I can keep track of what time zone he's in much easier now. I still wonder sometimes where the time has gone since we were all in high school. Watching trailers for the new movie version of "Rent'' (and not at all in an obsessive way, I assure you) has made me start thinking about it. Partly becasue of what it's about, but also because I see all of us in those characters. Felix is a cross of Angel and Mark, I feel like a freakish version of all the women and a little bit of Mark, Melissa was definitely the Maureen of the group, but with less lesbianistic traits, and Josh was Angel and Collins and a little bit of Mark. April was Mimi, but without the drugs, and Jen was a little bit of all of them, I think. Cheryl was Mark, with a little bit of Joann thrown in for good measure. Now? I have no idea where Jen is. Last time I knew was about two years ago, and she was finishing up at UF. Cheryl was in Atlanta, I think, then USF. Josh is somewhere in Jacksonville, and Melissa is getting ready to graduate from USF super soon. Felix is in the army, and me? I'm here in Ocala, just getting back to my life, but with mroe wisdom (at least, I hope so) and a little less patience to deal with the shit that it seems people everywhere are eager to give.
Apparently, the Jewish guilt sterotype is alive and well in all faiths, not just the Jewish faith, and can be found in a number of areas. My senses about faith have gone all but haywire, and I feel like there is something that I am missing when it comes to everything. Like I'll be the last to know something I should have been the first to see. If I had a million dollars, I would definitely buy some time for me. Time to think, time to be spiritual, time to be me. I think back to high school, and I feel like there is a reason that I'm supposed to only be in contact with one or two people.... I didn't have a giant, cheerleader-squad size group of friends. But the friends that I did have made me happy, and definitely shaped who I am today. They were the ones that helped me figire things out later, even if they weren't there. I actually wonder if April wasn't right about some stuff about me when we last communicated. Was there a reason that I wasn't supposed to talk to Josh for a while, then find him, only to lose communication with him once again? I seem to have a way of attracting people when I need them. By the same token, I wonder if it's me that needs them, or them that needs me. I don't mean that in a concieted way, just one of those quirks about our paths in life.
So, this whole thing wsa rather random, and I can't say I won't be more intrigued by it in the morning. But, here it is tonight, me, laid out for all to read. "For somebody whose always been let down, who's heading out of town? For someone who longs for a community of his own, who's with his camera, alone?..... I'll call..... I hate the fall."

03:10 pm: I caught you a delicious bass

You are Napoleon Dyanamite and a buttload of gangs
are trying to recruit you.


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

10:12 pm: A day in the life of a peacock
Have you ever wondered what it is that makes a peacock strut its stuff, so to speak, spread it's talk feathers, and announce to the world of other peacocks and peahens "I'm here!"? Okay, so not many people think about shit like that. I do when I watch Stanley on Disney (if you have seen it, you know what I'm talking about, otherwise, don't ask), and start contemplating who I am in the world of oddities.
I have recently moved, although I'm sure you all knew that already. I am getting used to my new environment, and I have a driving urge to go out to a bar, or a club, or a coffee house, or a bookstore.... somewhere with people that I can meet, and learn to be me in public again. I haven't done that in quite some time. With everything else in my life, it was the last of my priorities. But I have done a lot of soul searching and thinking about who I am, and what part of my skin I'm comfortable in. I have wondered what was wrong with me (okay, not wrong, but you know what I mean) that I couldn't go out, and introduce myself to people. I couldn't be comfortable with me enough to certainly let other people see me for who I was.
Ah, the inner ramblings of someone who hasn't clearly put them in order. I know this seems random, and weird, and perhaps a little egotistical in some fashion, but I am ready to put on party clothes- if I even know what the hell those are anymore- and just go out, have fun, be me. Hmmmm..... if I were a peacock what would I do? Although, since I'm female, I suppose I would be a peahen.... and they don't have the cool tail feathers......

07:36 am: incommunicado
Hey everyone! Just wanted to let you know that I'll be offline for a while, because of the move to Ocala. Hope you all are well, and I can be reached on my cell phone (I just got a TON of minutes) if you need or want to.
Love, Mel

05:00 pm: Happy dancing in the street
YAY!!! I found a house! and I am meeting with my grandfather tomorrow to discuss money for my housing, tuition, books, and daycare. YAY!!! *this is mee running into the street and getting my boogie on*

10:45 am: Philosophy uses too much brain power
Wow. I feel like I have some sort of endorphin-stress-in-a-good-way-super-healthy high going on. There has been so much and so little at the same time. I guess reminiscing is part of life for people when they get close to 25 years old. I realized a few weeks ago that freshman year of high school was 10 years ago. TEN YEARS! It's such a long time, and there are days that I wonder what I have to show for effort made since then. (That doesn't count Hunter; I see him as my biggest accomplishment anyways). School, work, all that kind of stuff. Then I think "There's a reason for all this. There is a reason that I have come this far, and it feels so short."
I guess I'm just in a weird, think-y mood because I've been meeting people linked to my past over the last two weeks, and it is highly overwhelming at times. Like a teacher from First Lutheran. (Thom, catch this: she is the teacher that replaced Mr. Vollman when he and another teacher had an affair. They now have two kids together, and are married. Mrs. Vollman has since remarried, and still teaches at FLS). What the hell? I can't get away from that place f I try!! Friends that I literally haven't seen in years, and a guy that may be more than a friend (don't ask) who knows all of the people I know, and we used to party together. AGGGHHH! It's too weird. I feel like my brain is on recall-this-part-of-your-life overload, and I'm not quite sure how to process all of it.
Dang. I feel like I should say something incredibly brilliant- something that sounds like Buddha himself would say it, I should be so insightful. It's because all this thinking about shit makes me see that there is nothing in the past that I should change, so why regret it. If I could go bak and change it, then I could regret my actions of not going back and changing my actions. But I can't, so I regret nothing. I'm simply trying to learn from stuff that I did then (and a little bit now), and see where the path of life takes me after that.
Wow. Who knew it took so much brain power to be so damn philosophical?

08:40 pm: For all my friends
1. tell me something obvious about you: I have blue eyes
2. tell me something about you that many don't know: I regret nothing in life
3. what your biggest fear: being trapped
4. do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut: short cuts, but only on the road
5. name one thing you want that you can't buy with money: unconditional love for exactly who I am
6. what is your most treasured possession: my box of memories from earlier days
7. what is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you often do: bite my nails
8. tell me something sexually about you that i don't know: yeah, Thomas is going to read this, so......
9. tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows: I was a carzy person in my younger years
10. what is your favorite lie to tell: I try not to tell them.... I don't see the point
11. name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again: get a tattoo
12. are you the jealous type: not usually
13. what is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to: N. Carolina mountains
14. what is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you: being told I was perfect, and be able to believe them
15. if you could so something crazy right now, what would it be: I would drive to the beach and swim naked with the fish
16. what was the last time you cried: about a month ago
17. when was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered: I have to think about that one...
18. do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on: yes
19. name something embarrassing you did while being drunk: I climbed the seventh story balcony in Daytona (we were locked out, it's a long story)
20. if you post this in your journal would you like me to answer it: yes

06:19 pm: This sucks
Yesterday I received unfortunate news that Wayne Stellar, on & off Y.O.U. sponsor in Raleigh, NC, has made his transition. He died this past Sunday (6-5-05) while participating in a Triathlon. It was most probably due to a heart attack that occured mid-way through the course. He was in tip-top shape and his death was sudden and unexpected.
Wayne was the father of 2 YOU'ers, Kirk and Carrie, who were in YOU in the late 90's and into 2000's. Not only did he help organize the beginnings of YOU in Raleigh, he was active as a sponsor til his death and was a friendly face we all loved to see at rallys.
There will be a memorial service this coming Saturday in NC. Right now both of his children are in charge of all arrangements. For more information on the service, call Kirk at 919-412-7343. If you would like to mail a note or prayer to the Stellar family please mail to:

The Stellar Family
201 Pine Ridge Court
Wake Forest, NC 27587

Please Pass this on to anyone who Wayne may have touched throughout his journey in life.

11:21 am: G-d if I could see this in NYC...
Okay, so I got this link from a friend, and thought I would post it so that my friends that aren't in the RentHead comm can see it too.

http://www.personal.psu.edu/users/a/u/aum141/RentTrailer.mov

I'm so thrilled!!!

12:43 am: Getting ready is the hardest part
Okay, people. I need some prayers and happy thoughts for something that I have to do this weekend. It is the annual business meeting for my pow wow clan, and I have to bring up some not so happy for other people type news, and bring it up to vote. I'll explain more after this weekend, but for now, just give me good happy thoughts, and thoughts and prayers for strength and calm and peace. Especially Saturday night, no matter what time zone you are in.
Love, mel

08:56 pm: Warning! If you don't want to read a page and a half rant about all kinds of stuff, don't read this.
So, my Mary Kay business has been reeeeeeaaaallllllly slow lately. Actually, I believe the word would be non-existant. I feel like I should be out there doing something, but I don't know what more I can do. I warm chat, I get numbers- then I play phone tag with people who finally answer my "I know you are just as busy as I am, and if you aren't interested, that's okay, but please let me know either way" message with a "not interested" or "changed my mind" or "I don't have the time right now, can you call me back later?". (PS, for any of you who come in contact with anyone in the direct sales businesses- Mary Kay, Tupperware, Party Light, any of them- if you aren't interested, don't take her number, and give her yours out of pity, or to get her to go away. A little insider tip-- we are ALL trained that a "no" from someone we talk to means that there is no difference in our business. IE We aren't going to hound you until you take our card. A no is a no, and we'll take it graciously, and with a smile. DO NOT be mean about it- but be HONEST)
It's frightening to think that in a few months I'll have to start all over again. I'm totally affirming that the move to Ocala will work out, hopefully by the end of June, and that I'll be able to get this thing going. But, I'm also going to be going to school, dealing with Hunter on my own, and getting a job somewhere to pay the bills, so I'm hoping that I can still work MK. I enjoy the flexibility, and I'll be back in Pinellas most weekends so that people get to see Hunter. But, when I spent almost $10 (which may not seem like a lot, but when you consider that was my own money since I've had NO business since February) on PCP and called all those women, asking if they didn't just LOVE the new MDA, and I got some that had decided not to use MK product anymore, some who had decided that they didn't like the MDA, and no, weren't interested in purchasing anything right now or holding a party to earn free stuff, and one who signed up as a consultant under her sister. (That customer, I might add, was totally my fault-- I never talked to her about signing up because I didn't think that she would be interested. She said she used to do all sorts of direct sales stuff, and never was good at it, but she had never done MK, so.... that was my bad)
Anyways, that's my litle rant for now. I feel like I've hit the bottom, and have done everything that I can think of to make my business come up, and I feel like nothing is working. NO, inventory wouldn't help, because I have no way of ordering it. (Put it this way-- I had to close my business checking account, because I overdrew it when I forgot to balance in the check from career conference; since it wasn't deposited by MK for almost 2 months, I forgot about it completely when it wasn't on any statements)
I don't want to seem like I am bad mouthing MK, cause that's the last thing I want to do, but it is so frustrating to have NOTHING happening with my business.... I have to borrow money from my parents every month simply to pay my car insurance.
That adds a whole other level of frustration, because here I am having to borrow money from them, kyet I'm trying to convince them that if I move to Ocala, that I'll be able to support myself and Hunter, not having a job lined up yet, or a residence.... the only sure thing is that I was accepted by the school, but now I'm having to wait to hear about financial aid. I have the ability to have quite a bit of money come my way, which would help to secure a residence, and things needed for a residence, and all that stuff that comes with it. I could then pay up bills ahead of time, and have all the money I earn going into an account to be saved for when the payups run out. But, I have to talk to my mom about accessing that money, and while Thomas did the same thing before he and Isis moved to CO, she was still pissy, because it confirmed that they were leaveing. The same shit's been happening here- if I say or do something that confirms that I am indeed moving, then she gets all pissy and martyr-ish, and I'm really not in the mood for it. I feel like she either wants me to fail, so that I'll move back home (or prove herself right to herself) or that she wants me to stay here forever, even with all the criticism and crap making it feel in the house like I'm back in high school, because nothing I do is right.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, that's my little rant. You can't say I didn't warn you.

03:58 pm: quiz for friends
1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. Do you have a crush on me?

5. Would you kiss me?

6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

7. Describe me in one word.

8. What was your first impression?

9. Do you still think that way about me now?

10. What reminds you of me?

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

12. How well do you know me?

13. When's the last time you saw me?

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

08:35 am: So, my little rant from the other day made me feel better, and I'm not sure if my mom read it or not (I doubt it highly), but she seems to be in a better mood. I think it is defitely the idea of Hunter and I moving that has put her in weird moods like that though. Hunter and I are going to visit Ocala for a few days, and when I told her, she got the frozen, bitchy thing going again....so, there you go. Mystery solved. Apparently, when other people who have lived here that are related have gotten ready to move, she has done similar stuff- nothing that person does is right, ice maiden routine with a little bit of guilt thrown in for good measure. So, I guess we'll see what happens as the time gets closer. Moms- gotta love 'em, even if you don't understand a darn blasted thing they do.

08:34 am: Mothers and daughters
This morning has frustrated me, and I figure it is better to write about it here, than writing a letter to the person who hurt me, and say something that I may regret later.
I got up this morning around 7:20 or so. Now, allow me to state upfront that I am one of the biggest pains in the ass to wake up in the morning. This has been a damn near daily occurance since I moved home with my parents, that Hunter will be up and in their care, and they have to fight to wake me up. Part of it is my insomnia, which keeps me up until almost 3 or 4 in the morning on some nights, and then they are getting me up at 7. They come home too late at night most nights for me to take a sleeping pill, cause I'm not an idiot... if I don't have someone else here, and it's just me and Hunter, I'm not going to take anything. Petriod. Move on. Unless they are here, no way, Jose.
So, I get up, and I'm working really hard on waking up. I hear my mom in the kitchen, and she isn't makeing breakfast, which I have learned means one of two things-- she is making a martyr of herself when Grandpa is out of town, taking her mom to lunch, and sounding happy on the phone to Grandma, but then making it sound like a chore when talking to me about it (Can I just point out that her relationship with her mother is supposed to be an example for my relationship with her.....is that really how she wants me to see her in twenty years?), or she is pissed at me for something, and doesn't want to be in the house. So, this morning, I guess she was pissed at me, cause she got all her stuff, gave kisses to Hunter, said I love you to him, he said it back. I said "Bye, mom, I love you" not sure of what I did, but she's leaving the house.... I'm not the type of person to let people off the phone or out of the house without saying it, because you never know what will happen in a day. She stares at me, with this look of contempt, or hate, or something, then slams the door. Nothing. Now, I have been pissed at her before and not said I love you. Not that I am proud of it... I would tell my dad good night, I love you, and only tell her goodnight. There were other things going on at the time, and I was FIFTEEN years old. Not almost fifty with plenty of experience in the hurt department.... I sort of knew what I was doing, but now as a mom, I understand that it hurt her. When I moved in after leaving Scott, she and I talked about that, and I sppologized. Today, she walks out the door and not only ignores the "I love you" but the look on her face was like I had thrown acid at her, and she still had to be nice because Hunter was sitting there, otherwise, I would have gotten... I don't know what.
Now, a little side note to all this. I mentioned at the teacher's meeting last night that June 1st would be my last day at the church- as a teacher, in attendence, at all. I want to move on, and I told them all that I have an opportunity to go back to school, in Ocala, to finish my degree, get a good job, and start a new life for me and Hunter. She got that look (anyone who knows her will know what I mean) where she looks hurt and sad all at the same time, like she's been defeated. I know she doesn't want me to go to Ocala... she's gotten used to having her grandson living in the same house as her, and she doesn't want me to go that far. I think she thought that all the talk about Ocala, the information that I've been talking about with her and dad- rent, leasing versus owning a mobile home, mobile home versus appartment- I don't know what she thought about it. If it was a game for me, a way for me to hurt her, which if that was her thoughts on it, then she didn't hear a damn word I've said to her over the last year. I don't know what, but I think she thought it wasn't really going to happen. Well, my divorce should be done soon (very soon), and I want to be in Ocala, for sure, by the end of June. That gives me time to get settled, get a job, get Hunter acclamated to day care, get registered for school, unpack, all of it.
So, I don't know if this morning is related to last night. I'm sure it is. I called dad at work, and asked him as soon as she walked out the door. He said that the only thing he can think of is the coffee pot (I guess she said something to him that it wasn't cleaned out-- I'm not the one that make a whole pot in the morning, and I don't drink it either- if I don't hacve anything to do with the production, and she cleans it 99% of the time, why would I think to look?), and that I should mention to her that the box we got was from Tom and Isis, cause "she thought someone had ordered something....". Okay, point one, I told her last night and this morning "hey that box there, on the table (the only THING on the table, let alone box) is from Tom and Isis, and I think you'll really like what you got". So, that was taken care of before the whole "I love you thing". Second, she would refuse to answer "I love you" and give me that look of contempt because I didn't clean out a coffee pot that I don't use? What?!? I didn't tell dad about the "I love you" thing, just that she seemed really pissed off this morning, and I was wondering if her knew why. At this point, I feel like it's just one more reason I should go... I know that I have been a financial burden to them for the last year.... I haven't earned shit with Mary Kay, no matter how hard I bust my ass, and getting a job seems a little stupid when all the money I would earn would be going to put Hunter in day care so that I can work, and be bringing home maybe $50 a week, if I'm lucky. Well, I can bust my ass at Mary Kay and make that little of an amount. Besides, I'm moving soon. What's the point of getting a job here, now, if I would have to quit in a month. Yes, I know it has been a financial strain to them, but they still get to go out to dinner, movies, be on committees that they feel drawn to-- what do I do? Stay at home, and clean, so that there is one less thing to bitch at me about. Even then, I still miss something. She's sure to point that out every day. Not outright mind you, under her breath, muttering, so that if I wasn't the one in the living room, and her in the kitchen, she would probably be committed for so much muttering and swearing under her breath, and throwing Tupperware into the sink like she's a four year old. Damn, I gotte get out of here. Hunter and I are going to the park to walk, and play, and forget about all this shit. Well, he'll play.... I work on forgetting.... or forgiving, for starters.

08:55 am: Things to do at Wal-Mart
15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares.....and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a "Caution - Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
12. In the Auto Department, practice you "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "Pick Me! Pick Me!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "No! No! It's those voices again!!!!!!!!!

And last but not least:
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

09:18 pm: I love the governent
I mean, they are the ones I'm begging for money for college. But, damn. I applied for FAFSA, and I did it old school, with paper and pencil. So, I get an e-mail telling me to look over what they have, and correct anything that needs correcting. At the time I filled out the papers, Scott and I were (are) still only technically separated- not divorced. So, I filled out the tax return part the same way it was all written on the IRS forms. We filed jointly, so all the stuff is joint (income, gross income, sktuff like that). They are telling me that I have to correct the numbers so that they only reflect my income, rather than the combined. Now, on the one hand, this is good, because I made less than him, and I have a child, so I will probably be eligible for funding. But it is such a pain in the butt... we filed jointly, we aren't yet divorced, so wouldn't they be optomistic and have the numbers be the same as if we were still together? Or, is everyone so convinced that if you are separated, you will ultimately be divorced, that they take that stance, and then if the couple does reunite, they are giving people money who may not need it, if say the person applying was Bill Gate's wife, but she didn't put his info..... damn, I'm rambling agian.
I don't know, it just kinda frustrates me. And, since I filed paper and not electronically, I had to apply for a PIN that is essentially my signature. But, I have to wait for three to five days for it. That makes me kinda pissy, because I want to get it done and finished, so that I can start planning. At the same time, it gives me a chance to figure out the numbers, rather than trying to do it while filling everything out. ARG. Sometimes, I feel like my own over analysis works against me.
PS. If anyone actually understood what I just wrote, kudos to you!

04:39 pm: ...and I took the road less traveled
So, I have realized that most of my posts are either bitching, or in-depth looks at my own life, whih in turn, becomes either depressing or bitching. So, I'm not doing that anymore. I realize that my inner thoughts and those that I make more prominent in my mind (if that makes sense at all) are the thoughts that all control my life and how I live it. I can continue to be upset at situations, and analyze the hell out of them (which I am prone to do once in a while), or I can be happy with things as they are, learn a lesson without over-thinking it to death, and be happy with the positive things that occur in my life.
I have started planning to go back to school, and moving to a new area. I am looking into having a place for me and Hunter that would eventually become permanent-- the area, not the house or apartment or whatever itself. Things like that make me happy. I feel like I am finally being productive with my life, rather than being a passenger in it. I know now that a lot of what my problem has been over the past year has been depression (big duh on that one), and while not severe, it still lended itself nicely to mood swings, insomnia, fatigue, irritability, the list goes on.
My divorce should be final soon-- within the month-- and that actually makes me happy to say and hear. It's not something I'm looking at as a failurre like I have been-- simply a new stage in life to move into, and on from. I'm excited about little things, and while I may not be able to keep up with Hunter all the time (for a three year old, he's got a LOT of energy, and sometimes, it's exausting to just watch him run around), I am having fun in everything that I do.
So, that's my life in a nutshell right now. There are still somethings that could be worked on, that I could be happier about, but that will come. I'm still learning.
Love, Mel

04:21 pm: apparently, the crazy people have voices in their heads
So, I have another update. It may seem off and weird to those who don't know what's going on.... but that's okay. You'll catch up. So I was wondering the other day if I am the crazy one for caring about what a child does, or if she is the crazy one for doing what she did. Well, today, she appologized. Mind you, not to the clan, but for her actions and words on the forum in general. I think she got a little scared when people told her it was libel and slander, and when the forum admin told her that she had one warning, and that was it. I'm not sure whether I believe her apology. I know, I should be the bigger person, accept her words at face value, and move on. But here's the rub.... her words being accepted at face value are what started all this in the first place. Her mom posted, saying that, yes, she was punched in the face, and yes, it did seem to be an unprovoked attack. However, nothing was said that my family didn't do it, that they were sorry for what happened, that it was blamed on us.... nothing. They are looking forward to be going back to the farm for Thanksgiving powwow, which I'm not sure if they genuinely are, or were looking to rub it in faces that they are going, and those who were told to leave and never return (there was more than just my family clan) can't come back, but do enjoy the holidays none the less.
Arg. Agian with the crazy voices in the head. That little quote, tag line, whatever, comes from the original post (am I crazy for caring what a child says and does), and that now, I have nagging doubts that her words are true. She said that she is from up north, and things are done differently there. Well, I have family up north, and they don't stab people in the back that they only know on the outskirts of their existence, yet have upset a family friend for being able to stick to their spiritual beliefs, and not give in. Again with the Arg.

07:39 pm: Apparently, there are still crazy people in the world
So, I know I haven't posted an update in a while, and frankly, to post all the details that lead up to the following rant would take WAY too much time. So, for those of you who are actually curious about it, e-mail me. Or call. Or something. But I have to get this off my chest.
So, my powwow family clan was kicked off the grounds after a LOT of political stuff that happened, and there were more people that were told to leave and never return as well. Whatever. The child (14 year old girl) that started it, and told lies, has furthered those lies by saying that we bribed someone in her school to punch her in the nose, resulting in a broken nose. Now, first, we were told that we had to leave since we had hurt a child. She told people that we had called her a really horrible name. When it was found out that we hadn't, and the person who had came clean, we were still told to leave. It hurt my feelings that someone would accuse us of that, since we had children in our camp who were camped there since parents knew that they would be safe and protected. Those children were under the impression that they too, were no longer allowed on those grounds, since they were camped with us. Now, this child who started it has come clean... she wanted to be princess, and when she didn't get it, since the judges were some of us, she took it out on us. Now she says that we have bribed a person to cause her physical injury.
It sickens me to think that this child has such a mentality. I feel like someone has slapped me in the face (the whole family feels that way, in fact), and she continues on. Luckily, because of how disrespectful she is, people know she is telling lies. But they are being disrespectful, as well, when they address her about it. I tried posting that we should all be respectful, even those who haven't learned how yet, since the younger generation learns from our example. Still, she continues, and it has upset quite a few people, to say the least. I have been asked by my clan parents not to respond, and so I won't. But it's still upsetting.

So, there you have it. I'm still not sure what to do with the info. I think in time, she will learn that she isn't the center of the universe, and that she can't play the puppetmaster to suit her whims and desires. However, she is hurting people in the mean time. I don't remember ever doing something this catty before when I was 14. Yeah, I was kinda messed up in the head (first boyfriend, high school, the usual teenage angst stuff), but I never set out to destroy people on such a malevolent level. (Say that five times fast)
What causes someone to think that this sort of action is okay, or even tolerated? I mean, I don't know her parents, but if I found out that my child was being disrespectful of elders in such a manner, I would be horrified. Anyways, those are my thoughts. Like I said, apparently, there still are crazy people out there.... I'm just not sure if it's her for acting this way, or me, for being upset by the actions of a child.
Love, Melody

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